Concritathon

[indri]

Text pinched from peasant_ and deadsoul820.

This is my post for peasant_'s Concritathon. Anyone who wants to give me public concrit for Descent is very welcome to do so here. Anyone who would rather send the concrit privately, my address is archaeoindri@yahoo.com.

According to the rules of the concritathon:

Concrit is Constructive Criticism. This means that it must point out at least one, preferably more, flaws in the story as well as at least one, preferably more, good points in the story. It must also be written so as to inform the author of your opinion without hurting their feelings.

Ta.

Comments

Part 2

[estepheia.livejournal.com]

Pacing / Syntax

I already mentioned in the previous section that the fight scenes could be a little more dramatic. More paragraph cuts and stronger verbs could accomplish a lot, both give a sense of speed and immediacy. Also, splitting longer sentences in two might speed up fight scenes. The fight scenes should convey a sense of danger.

You already vary sentence length more or less throughout the story, but a few times I felt you were trying to cram as much info into several successive sentences as possible. In these instances I felt you ended up with a more monotonous tone. Have you read your story out loud? If you do, you will surely spot the few instances where the sentences start to bleed into each other.


Pet phrases / frequently used words

He - You don’t use Spike’s name a lot – which leaves you stuck with the word ‘he’. Normally names and personal pronouns are ‘invisible’, i.e. they convey information without flavoring the sentence they are in. However, excessive use of one and avoidance of the other is something the reader notices, and it makes a statement. Use of the pronoun should create proximity and invite identification, but your voice is often distant, and impassive. I find this a (mild) discrepancy.

There is – This is a weak phrase. (I use it way too often myself). It should be used sparingly. (In fact, one of my books on writing calls the phrase a ‘bloodsucker’ and recommends its immediate replacement with a more active phrase.)

Pull (up) – I noticed that you use this particular expression very often at the beginning, but not towards the end. (I will send you the annotated file of the story so you can check for yourself.) Because ‘pulling’ subtly evokes images of puppets, this isn’t a bad word choice, but there’s a thin line between over-use and what I’d like to call ‘leitmotifing’. I’d get rid of a few ‘pulls’ and I’d use it again later, towards the end, when Spike has been turned into a puppet.

Look like / look at – yup, I use those all the time and I always have to struggle to come up with alternatives. These are weak words. Sometimes we don’t need the reminder that what the narrator shows us is what Spike sees. You’ve established from the start that you won’t show us anything outside the range of Spike’s senses.

Think, seem, feel, a little, almost – these words/expressions should be used with caution. They often convey a sense of vagueness, as though the author couldn’t make up her mind. That does not mean you have to always cut them out, just that you might want to use the Search option on your word processor to check if you really need to use them.


Conclusion

Like I said before, the overall writing is lean and effective. In some instances, there are more poetic and poignant phrases, but they do not stick out like sore thumbs. They serve the story and snugly fit into the flow of the narrative. The dialogue I find particularly effective. First Evil’s many voices are spot on. One or two of Spike’s utterances might have been a little ‘Spikier,’ but I was never jolted out of the story by them.

If you ask me, there’s not a lot wrong with this story. Sure, one can tweak and tinker until the cows come home, but usually it’s better to try to make the next story even better. Even if you don’t change a word, I’ll still gladly recommend this as a great story.

(Just one thing: maybe it’s because I’m used to American punctuation, but I often felt that there should have been more commas throughout – but punctuation is not my strong suit. Feel free to ignore me.)

Re: Part 2

[indri]

My apologies for not responding before now. For various offline reasons, I've barely had a minute to myself over the past few weeks. I only have a moment now because a computer's down for maintenance tonight. I'm really hoping my life gets less hectic soon...

I'm glad you liked it in general. Obviously, I'm going to focus in my reply on areas where I might improve. To paraphrase your main points:

I could achieve a greater sense of immediacy by using more typical Spike speech rhythms and vocabulary in the prose whenever the POV moves closer to Spike's perceptions;

the fight scenes could become more suspenseful and exciting through the use of strong verbs in shorter sentences and paragraphs;

weak verbs are a problem in general, as are weak phrases.

The first two points were also raised by my other Concritathon reviewers, so I'm going to post a general request on my LJ for examples of fic which excel in related aspects so I can study them. (I'd be delighted if you made suggestions, of course.)

I had heard the phrase "weak verb" before but I did not know what it meant. Thank you for explaining this, as I suspect this is a recurring fault.

I'm currently writing (when I have time!) a sort of companion piece to this fic about Dru. I'm adopting a similar tone for the piece so it should be an ideal way for me to practice.

Have you read your story out loud?

Routinely. Perhaps I should get someone else to read it out loud to me too so I can spot offending passages.

Pull (up)

I'm afraid I had no conscious aim in using this phrase so much!

maybe it’s because I’m used to American punctuation, but I often felt that there should have been more commas throughout

Oddly, shortly before signing on for the Concritathon I read some remarks from a long-time copy-editor who said that far fewer commas are used in UK English compared to US English. I'll keep an eye on it though as I don't want to reduce clarity through an absent comma.

Thank you again. I hope you don't mind if I contact you again once I've finished the Drusilla piece -- it's likely to take months -- to ask if you'd be willing to beta it. I'd like to know how successfully I address these issues in future work.